The Wisdom of Listening

The skill of understanding and relating to others is one of what I call The 7 Dimensions of Wisdom. The ability to listen is central to establishing and maintaining effective relationships. Purpose or calling gives direction to a life, and listening to others is essential to obtaining and providing the mutual support that each us needs to achieve our purpose, and a fulfilling life.

To listen effective means both to hear what the other person is saying, so that you can repeat it, and to empathize (not sympathize) with the other; that is to be able to experience the other’s perspective, even if you strongly disagree with it. This requires being fully present, another of The 7 Dimensions of Wisdom. This in turn requires self-awareness and self-management, one more of The 7 Dimensions of Wisdom.

Some of what can get in the way of listening include the struggles within ourselves in which we are distracted by regret or longing for the past or anticipation of the future (whether that is the next thing we plan to say, our next meal, the person we will see later that day, or something more profound). Perhaps it is also disbelief that what is truly significant can be found in the present moment, or in the words of the person to whom we are supposedly listening. In a sense, it reflects a lack of conviction about both us, and the other person in the conversation. It’s similar to when we find ourselves envying someone else’s life or accomplishments. In such moments, our own lives seem somehow not as authentic or real as the other person’s.

If would be easier to be present, and to actively listen, if we were convinced that this moment and this conversation are potentially as significant as any in our lives. It also helps to have an unquenchable curiosity about other people; the sense that there is the potential for a fantastic discovery in even the most pedestrian conversation. Another thing that helps is if one obtains genuine pleasure and joy from helping others; rather than being pushed by a sense of guilty obligation.

Of course, we must also acknowledge that some people are at times immune to good listening. They will continue droning on without regard to the other person, as though they are really only speaking to hear themselves. In such situations, the counterpart to good listening is the ability to gently but firmly get the other person back on track with a question, or to change their emotional state from one of anxious self-absorption to one that is more relaxed and engaged. The latter can sometimes be accomplished by relaxing one’s own mind and body posture. Unfortunately, sometimes, the only solution is to acknowledge one’s own limitations and to exit the conversation as quickly and kindly as possible.